THE ADCNET BOOK OF perVERSE
A collection of verse penned by the A-Team (Version 2.0 - 28/10/00 - late edition ammended by Ralph)
Front Row (from left):Ted McCulloch, Ray Powell, Tuan Nguyen, Neera Mahajan, Hong Ly,
Back Row (from left): Andrew Parfett, Graeme Tinney, Brian Heath, Tom Allen, R Vishwanathan and Simon Stringer.
Missing from Photograph: Aaron Klaassens and Josh Milthorpe.
The A Team
The A Team
Document Release Information
The Project Document Control Officer (DCO) shall maintain a distribution register for this document.
2. INDIVIDUAL’S POEMS*
2.1 LES COOK*
2.1.1 The Manager*
2.1.2 The Architect*
2.1.3 The Tester*
2.1.4 The Guru*
2.2 PHIL EVANS*
2.2.1 Ode to ADCNET*
2.3 JOSH MILTHORPE*
2.3.1 For Craig*
2.3.2 For Ralph*
2.4 DAVID GOLDSTEIN *
2.5 CRAIG MITCHELL*
2.5.2 My Hero Matt*
2.6 RAKESH MALHOTRA*
2.6.1 The Dinner*
2.6.2 The Manager*
2.7 DENNIS O'HARA*
2.8 MANFRED RENTZ*
2.8.1 The Bet*
2.8.2 Bunch of Farewells*
2.8.3 It's Christmas Again*
2.8.4 A Biology Lesson*
2.8.5 Goodnight ADCNET*
2.9 RALPH HOLLAND*
2.9.1 An Ode to ADCNET*
2.9.2 The A Team*
2.9.19 The Art of Computer Programming*
Since the resurrection of the ADCNET Release 3 Project in 1997, a tradition has grown up around the limericks that were written in 'honour' of project staff whenever they left the project. This tradition, initiated by the Project Manager, was intended more as a deterrent to other project staff, so that they knew what fate awaited them should they decide to leave. Given the high turnover rate within the Information Technology industry in general, and the relatively low turnover rate on the ADCNET project, it is clear that this strategy was spectacularly successful. At least initially.
Then, quite suddenly, when Phil Evans left the project and got his traditional limerick, he retaliated with some verse aimed clearly at the project's management staff. Since then there has been a veritable explosion, or blossoming, of poetic verse within the project, bringing many a closet poet, and our young budding poets, out into the open. This culminated in an evening of verse held in the Oak Room in October 1999, to celebrate the achievement of the project's major milestone for the Message Switch.
With the wind down of the project in October 2000, the collection of poetry was assembled and finalised into this booklet, as a testament to, and momenta of, a great team and a marvellous achievement.
Read and enjoy, and remember. Best wishes for your future ….
2. INDIVIDUAL’S POEMS
2.1 LES COOK
2.1.1 The Manager
A BHP manager with poetic pretension
wrote limericks which caused his staff apprehension
when each one of them left to join a new firm
he’d recite a new poem and many would squirm
at the tales of their deeds and the shades of their ties
which he noted whilst looking straight into their eyes
all else present rejoiced at the intricate timing
and applauded wildly his exquisite rhyming
even victims, whilst planning to gain their revenge and
dark deeds admitted he’d pass into legend.
2.1.2 The Architect
Nothing rhymes with Vishwanathan.
Instead I thought I’d try with Vish.
He led down the Forte path n’
and now we’re in the aftermath n’
steadily losing all the staff n’
looks as if we’ll take a bath n’
Still I can’t find a rhyme for Vish!
2.1.3 The Tester
Simon Stringer, the ultimate tester
bashed builds from one through to n
his destructive testing was the subject of jesting
but the jokers were not happy men.
In sustained operation his full compilation
of TRs was simply the most
He’d only to touch the keyboard for much
of the software to give up the ghost.
With testing all done he’s set off for fun
in the mountains leaving all behind sad
but when he’s returned, he’ll find that they’ve burned
his posters and this treasured mouse pad.
2.1.4 The Guru
A database wizard call Nanda, that’s Praveen
worked Monday to Friday, and often in between
He built hundreds of tables
With millions of rows
of telememos and cables
and the record now shows
that while others built stables
fed chooks and we suppose
did other great deeds, of which no-one knows
his database became the subject of fable
with so many joins that no-one is able
to select any row from the tower of babel
or to navigate down to a sought after label
or even to find where they’ve been.
2.2 PHIL EVANS
2.2.1 Ode to ADCNET
There once was a project called ADCNet.
Against it succeeding, 'most everyone bet.
We did it in Forté
it's still running today
and most of the requirements are met!
We had a manager, name of Manfred
The wrath of the bean counters he did dread
But he's such a top bloke
he still bought us Tim-Tams (but not Coke)
and now the end of the project is just ahead.
The chief architect was Vish
For relevant metaphors he would always fish
"It's like hitting for home
in a battle zone"
For a more colourful vision we could not wish.
The project controller is Heather
She must work for fun, 'cause we hardly pay her
"Your timesheet today"
is all I ever heard her say
but we would have been lost without her.
The customer rep was Les Cook
He started writing an FRS but ended up with a book!
There was so much to read,
Praveen took the lead,
then told the rest of us where to look.
And then there was the rest of ADCNet
A better team you're not likely to get.
They went into the fray,
worked night and day,
It's an experience I'm not likely to forget.
2.3 JOSH MILTHORPE
On drinking nights, Craig never lasted.
It would take him two drinks, and he’s plastered.
He’d seek out romances with novelty dances,
what a drunk-hippy-freak-Tory-Bastard.
There once was a man from Kambah
who had a three-ton amphibious car.
When the going got tough,
he'd yell "Ive had enough!"
and set off for the desert afar."
2.4 DAVID GOLDSTEIN
Unfortunately we were unable to publish David's collection of poems.
Not one single phrase survived review by the censors.
2.5 CRAIG MITCHELL
There once was a function at ADCNet,
To a little trouble I met,
When I flicked a beer top,
Right at my managers gob,
Luckily he can forgive and forget.
This brings me to the rest of the team,
None of which were that mean,
Just a bit of clowning around,
No harm to be found,
And to comeback, I am keen.
2.5.2 My Hero Matt
When Matt came in to bat
Things were looking grim and bare
The ER team needed runs on the board
And Matt was to deliver with much flair.
He made many hits, resulting in a big big score
And the team said thank you Matthew Gore.
But let me tell you all
When we talk about the score
It was nothing to do with the desperate and dateless ball!
2.6 RAKESH MALHOTRA
2.6.1 The Dinner
I told my wife "we are going out to dine".
She asked why? "Is it welcome the spring time".
No, I said. "We have finished the project in time".
2.6.2 The Manager
2.7 DENNIS O'HARA
It was a bitch
The ER3 Switch! We had Cook and Brent and Rentz too,
But more important we had you.
And thanks to you all
We can now have a ball!
2.8 MANFRED RENTZ
2.8.1 The Bet
That’s what they said
Others had tried
Had failed and fled.
I took on the job
My finances in the red
With nothing to lose
I was already half dead.
Got a team full of rogues
And an architect called Vish
They said they were real men
But I caught them eating quiche.
The contract was signed
Twas the day before Christmas
There was I
On Les’s menu for breakfast.
We struggled and strained
To get to first base
Then built up some speed
And then started to race.
Put in a big final charge
Only to find
We were only half way
To the finish line.
Well, it’s been a long haul
And though it ain’t over yet
The hard yards are behind us
Guess we’ve won that bet.
2.8.2 A Bunch of Farewells
Let's say adieue to Kyrill Brent
A project manager who earned every cent
Through thick and through thin
He'd hold high his chin
Standing firm like a lighthouse set in cement.
Farewell to our fellow Pardeep
Whom unfortunately we were unable to keep
For those far off horizons
He's fixed his eyes on
While the rest of us go back to sleep.
Let's say farewell to Jamie Danckert
His courage was as warm as a blanket
Each little bug
He'd pull out of the rug
So all our developers could spank it.
Farewell to our colleague called Hong
For six months or so she'll be gone
But let's have no fear
She'll soon be back here
To fix all the things we did wrong.
Farewell to our colleague called Ian
Since movin' to Canberra he ain't done much skiin'
He's come down the road
To help debug our code
So when we deliver, in our pants we're not peein'.
Now let's farewell to Phil
He wrote help files to help pay his bills
And far more than that
He helped us with FAT
And that's where he got all his thrills.
Let's say goodbye to Graham
The sort of bloke who can drive you insane
But when the going gets tough
He won't tell you to get stuffed
He'll just roll up his sleeves and start playin'.
Or, let's say goodbye to Tin-Tin
In testing ADCNET he was the king pin
But his jokes and his tricks
Would make Queenslanders sick
So let's hope he don't end up in the sin-bin.
Let's say au-reviour to Christine
She was a leader in the ADCNET team
And when the going got tough
She was never nasty or rough
She could leave that to Vish and Praveen.
So it’s sayonara to Phil and Dave
Both software warriors bold and brave
They cut the code
They cut the crap
They cut the mustard
They knew where it's at
And it's without any regrets
They now make their move
They've done their duty
And got nothin to prove
And all you young programmers
Would do well to pay heed
To Phil and Dave
They are a rare breed.
Let's say farewell to Kay
On this her final day
And let's not make jokes
About us manager blokes
The sort of things Dilbert would say.
Let's say goodbye to Andrew Boyd
From this project where he was employed
And though on the outside he was quiet
On the inside was a riot
Because in his work he was so overjoyed.
There was a young man from Yass
Who got his kicks out of cigarette gas
Between each key stroke
He'd light up a smoke
And then kick some developer's ass.
Let's say our farewell to Matt
A mild mannered cool sort of a cat
But when he's cuttin' his code
You better get outta his road
Or he'll bloody well knock you down flat!
It's time to farewell Rakesh Molhotra
If you were a developer them he would watch ya
He'd tweak and he'd test
Till your bugs you confessed
Till at last he could say I gotcha.
Let's bid adieu to the only and only Les Cook
He's been there, he's done that, he wrote the bloody book
And deep within the FRS
You'll find order, peace and eternal bliss
But only if you're brave enough to take a long hard look!
Let's say goodbye to Simon
A man with impeccable timin'
He installed ER3
Now is about to flee
And that's the end of my rhymin'.
Lets' bid farewell to Andrew Parfett
And send him packin' back to the Antarctic
He tested our code
By draggin' it down a dirt road
And then wipin' his feet on it like a carpet.
2.8.3 It's Christmas Again
It's Christmas again
So be of good cheer
And be thankful to Santa
That we're all still here
Now let's gobble this food
And guzzle some beer
So we're all plump and juicy
for the new year!
2.8.4 A Biology Lesson
Where does one begin?
In the beginning was the word, and the word was ADCNET.
Who uttered that word?
It was Les.
Hence Les did not join ADCNET - he created it.
Hence Les does not leave ADCNET - he takes it with him (at least the vision).
He leaves us to carry on with the sons of ADCNET in whatever form they take.
He leaves DFAT with a system that transformed the way they do business.
So, if Les is the father of ADCNET, who is the mother?
Les cast his bag of seed onto the receptive and virginal soil of BHP IT.
BHP IT eagerly took that seed and helped it grow,
Albeit with some growing pains.
And representing BHP IT was Kyril - yes he is the mother of ADCNET.
And then who are we?
Their off spring?
No, we are the doctors and nurses who delivered ADCNET into the world!
2.8.5 Goodnight ADCNET
So goodnight it is, to ADCNET
It's had its day - one we'll never forget
We hit the heights
We struck a reef
We turned the corner
And tripped a thief
We hit the target
We won the race
And now we'll do our best
In some other place.
It's time now to Export Ralph
after he's Imported a little bit of wealth
overcoming Forte paralysis
he built Auto-Analysis
by sheer hard work and stealth!
Praveen Praveen Praveen,
you couldn't want a better man on your team
through thick and through thin
without and within
he'd smile, remain calm and serene.
So finally it's farewell to Manfred Rentz
A man of great wisdom and common sense
In project management he is supreme
He delivered beyond our wildest dream
Oh we shall always remember
We shall always go on
We shall bask in the glow
Of his magnificence.
2.9 RALPH HOLLAND
2.9.1 An ode to ADCNET
An ode to ADCNET
Where we had such fun
I am sure none will forget
Where we as one met our target.
2.9.2 The A-team
They hired all the crew and began.
The place was bright and alive.
The team was made from slick and guns.
Now the ADCNET folk are moving on with pride
Not one has retired without making their runs.
We did leave a few to carry on - these are the best,
I am sure the team spirit they will keep alive,
With their work and their jest.
Well what can I say he is character, 2.9.4 Simon
He is faithful to the end,
With all that input and charm,
He managed to extend
To keep us in check.
And now we have completed ER3 ADCNET.
Simon is not a simple soul
There is always a surprise
He worked hard and long
And still is our guide.
Everything he touched did break
And we were very glad
Not only for his ability to bend
But also because he was a mate.
Well a nicer character I have not met
His is up there with the lot
Perhaps it was that he was patient
And used Fiji time a lot.
But we cherished him,
his job in life was both hard and excellent
We just had to wait for him to arrive for our day to come good.
We relied on Ted to get the job done
He worked consistently.
The Sequel to his story did run
And will be recorded in our history.
And now he is one we left behind to carry the team flag on.
By gosh he was a young gun
with all his enthusiasm.
Despite his desire to finish Uni
He managed to contribute with a flare
And I am glad that he was there.
And he too still is and holds the bat
And is sure to score more runs.
The young lady of our programming team. 2.9.9 Tuan
She helped keep up our spirit when times where grim.
We wish her well in all she does
And as she carries on in the team we left behind
I am sure she will make her mark with Express.
We are all glad we met
When we needed things done you found a way.
I for one am sure not to forget
The things you learnt and that you provided each day
Cheers from ADCNET.
The analytic one
Who consistently explored our ways
Is now empowered to repartition
All the work we have done.
Well she started out in support
And then in testing.
She has now migrated to development
And left our security.
She's got a job at CentreLink
Which will make her day,
As now She will be programming in Forte.
He is a C++ gun and impressed us all
He quickly learned the ropes to pull
His code did work and his humor
It’s a shame his stay was short but demur.
You know what I could say
He was mad and good
Such a crazy character as dependable as wood.
He was our resident artist and story teller
With war stories from the Antartic.
When he was our tester he would not give up
He would tell me in many ways when I had a bug
He and Simon made a great pair
They broke our system with such flair.
Perhaps this skill came from Casey
You know he was their techo chap
And I can imagine wire everywhere.
Her name means warrior of the heath, maybe it doesn't
She has kept us fed with food and comment
How can we not acknowledge that she should be kept
To run more teams like ADCNET.
You know she was all our personal assistant
If not in name
She made us do those chores we hated without refrain
Her organisation is famous - projects need more of the same
And BHP had such respect as she spoke her mind.
She is leaving now for greener pastures
A job CSC couldn't find faster.
Please be kind to her and place her at her best
You will appreciate, as we have, all the things that she has done.
Trent has met his match we have found
His car's too fast and his house is full,
What he espouses will no longer rule.
His next car will be a family sedan
Because you can't fit what it can
into the WRX.
He's got his next job at CentreLink
Where he will show them what he can do.
He'll be working with Goldie and Neera too
And we expect that he will show that he has got what it takes.
This one is hard for he is as old as I 2.9.17 Vish
I was not sure how he felt or what he would lay aside
But he has no prejudices and ego and he hired me
And ran the team proficiently
We had our hard times and our smooth
And I do appreciate the old coot.
Well he is not really old, nor I
But he is smart and fair
He brought ADCNET to its end with such flair.
He has bought a house near Vish
And I can see that they will fish
And yarn and carry on into their retire
When they will be old mates,
And talk of the war wounds and the comrade
that we all had at ADCNET ER3.
The words don't flow as they do from Vish 2.9.18 Me
My words were not as eloquent
He could market anything
And talk the leg off a dog
It was he who did pose
And sell ADCNET and determined what we need
He pushed the team in more ways than one
And now we are free to go our way and with such respect.
Farewell to Vish.
As for me there doesn't seem to be much poetry
So I thought I would write a line or two.
I felt comfortable in all regards
As I often followed rather than lead.
One day I will look back
With my radio, aerial and wire
My antenna farm
Laptop by my side all dead
With nothing but memories instead.
2.9.19 The Art of Computer Programming
The Art of Computer Programming is a title by Donald Knuth.
But to tell you the truth it doesn't compare with what I have seen here.
We have constructed and built a whole lot of stuff,
A sum larger than it parts, albeit a little rough.
Like a a raw diamond worth its weight in gold.
And now it runs with a mind of its own.
Like an adolescent child running away from home.
And because my time on this team is complete
I hand over my job and my seat.
... (there's more) ...
Now you can cast dispersion and blame
About my code and my name,
Like all who have left before me.
2.9.20 The Animal Medical Centre
He's my cat, and Fiona's too,
I caught him there with my son,
He's only two or one.
He's been hit by a car and lost some fur,
And here they fixed him up fine.
But what's now worse than that
Is someone has just laid out a bait
And he went into shock.
The prognosis was grim
As he was dying from Acetaminophen.
But Catherine the vet diagnosed him correct
And treated him with Vitamin C and Acytelcysteine,
And Sue nursed him at home on her knee.
And now we watch with great surprise
As he prances and prowls with open eyes.
He still may die from toxic liver
But he's got a fair chance that he may survive.
So if your cat's face is all swollen and blue
You better get it promptly to this surgery too.
Thanks to all the Staff at the Animal Medical centre,
from the Holland Family
(DFAT the cat is still alive after two months and going strong.)